When.... If

When you chase the family cat and are forgiven,

And are assured that kitty gets blamed, too,

When there's sympathy for scratches kitty's given

And love and petting from your human crew;

When politicians telling lies about you

Comes as no particular surprise,

Yet people cross the street to greet you

Grinning at your glinty, squinty eyes;

When you can burrow deep beneath the covers

Not tossing Mom and Dad upon the floor,

When you can tear up toys and beg for others

And count on getting just one more new toy more;

When you can dance the Dance for Joy of Living

Tearing madly all throughout the house

And they laugh so hard they only are forgiving

And no one even thinks that they might grouse;

When surgery's required for things you've eaten

And they are spending dollars by the score,

And they're filled with joy that you're still living

And swear they wouldn't ask for one thing more;

When you tear up all the carpet in the hallway,

Strew the garbage all about the family bed

And they are, oh, well - annoyed - but in a small way

And know they should have locked you up instead;

When you dig out, or jump, or climb the fences

('cause after all a dog does like to roam)

Your family learns to 'really' know what tense is

And won't relax until you're safe at home;

When there could be no earthly reason

That they would ever think to give you up,

You rule the roost and all who dwell within it,

And - which is more - you are a Proper Bully Pup!

(with due apologies to Rudyard Kipling)